


wasting time

by jessamoo



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: F/M, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-13
Updated: 2014-10-13
Packaged: 2018-02-20 23:33:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2447168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessamoo/pseuds/jessamoo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kim rushes to the hospital when Adam is hurt</p>
            </blockquote>





	wasting time

She felt like something had hollowed her insides.

She was at such an extremis of emotion that her hands shook, and the awful sickening fear left her with an empty pit inside of her. 

She was so used to being careful and in control that this – the frantic running, the numbness in her fingers, the city passing by her in a blur – so much so that she didn't remember how she got to the hospital, only that it had been the most important thing to do so – left her confused and scared and dizzy.

She ran through the hospital, the sickly pale walls all looked the same. It felt like they were too tall, she had a sudden irrational vision of them crashing down behind her as she ran. Like the world behind her didn't matter, did not exist, only her destination did.

She had felt like this once though. On that awful day when the entire world exploded. But they had survived, they had crawled their way through. And that’s what she did now. Hurrying in a daze, she held onto the idea of just getting there. To just keep going, before her legs collapsed underneath her. Every step took her one step closer. She did not think about anything past that. To do that would have meant she would have to think of the possibility that she would lose him, and she absolutely refused to do that.

She didn't know how to imagine that. She dealt with people in mourning, she fired her gun, she knew what murder was. She worked along side death. But it had never crashed into her life quite like this. she saw crime scenes with a necessary detachment. But the did not before consider the idea that someone's entire universe could stop. Adam had been brave and strong and had crept into her life slowly, like a stream in the cracks and hollow places of a mountain. The stream had become a river, had become a storm inside of her, like someone had bottled thunder. She couldn’t contemplate how that could be stilled in a second. She didn’t know how he could exist in her world, then just as suddenly leave it. It had seemed such an impossibility to her, like blowing out the stars. And so, for now, the future didn’t exist outside the waiting room she was running to. 

 

She burst through the doors, crashing in wildly, expecting noise and bustle.

Instead what greeted her was a shocking silence, that in its absence of noise, seemed piercingly loud.

The others all jumped up, their instincts still quick despite what had happened.

After the dizzying haze that was her journey here, the stillness inside of the waiting room was like a slap across the face that stopped her dead.

Her hands still shaking, she stands awkwardly, warily, looking from face to face, waiting for something to happen. She wants to run in in a panic, she wants to know if he’s OK – but she is suddenly incredibly aware of herself, and these detectives in front of her are like guards against her.

Lindsay is the one that recovers first. She moves forward toward her with a steadying hand out. Kim looks at her, finding an anchor in her eyes, and she cant bring herself to look anywhere else. She know they are all wondering why she is here. She doesn’t want to think about that, she doesn’t want to see their faces, judging her or waiting for an explanation. She especially doesn’t want to admit to Voight that it was her boyfriend, not just her colleague, in there getting operated on by doctors. She sees sympathy in Lindsay’s eyes though – she had always had a steady trust in the woman.

“Hey burgess.” She starts. Kim can tell that she’s trying to be calming. She’s approaching her the way you approach a scared child. But she doesn’t care, because right now she is terrified. “we don’t know anything yet. But that’s OK. That’s a good thing, it means they’re still working on him.” Lindsay nods at her encouragingly, urging her to understand.

Kim finds herself nodding and she shifts nervously. She clears her throat to find her voice, but even then it comes out quiet and shaking.

“I got a call...” She urges, trying to pat her hair down nervously. She wants them to know that its OK to be here. Her small explanation comes out far more defensive than she had intended it. She wanted to say more but could think of no more words. She supposed it was an explanation in itself. They were detectives, they would work it out. And she let it out there, she let it float in the air, unspoken.

She looks around the room then, now that there seems to be some kind of acceptance. Lindsay had put a hand on her arm, Halstead and Dawson had both sat down again now – though their looks of curiosity still remained and they shot uneasy glances at each other. 

Olinsky hadn't got up when she came in, but now he just nods his head acceptingly. His face looked pale and haggard as he rested it in his fingers in worry and weariness. She sees the way his shoulders relax a little. She remembers his voice on the phone – she’d almost forgotten it had been him that called her. Obviously everyone else had not known. He had sounded desperate. And she knew now that at least a small weight had been lifted from him now she was here.

Voight stood up still, staring at the floor now as opposed to her, which he had been doing since she came in. knowing something of her history with Adam, she had expected something more accusatory. But he seems not to want to press the matter, though she knows he’s suspicious as to why they called her. This wasn’t the time to argue – though she had no doubt the time would most definitely arise at some point. 

Atwater smiles at her, trying to be calm and he holds his hand out. She smiles gratefully back and rushes to take it, his huge hand covering hers and gripping tightly as he pulled her into the chair next to him. She can tell from the way his knuckles strain against his skin that he is just as scared as she is. Lindsay sits down next to her. She thinks it’s a show of solidarity mostly. She’s a shield against the reproach and questions Kim would receive for breaking Voight’s precious rules. But then, as she sits and takes stock and waits, she realises she couldn’t care less. This wasn’t about them or their secrets, this was about Adam fighting for life. And that’s all she cares about.

 

She thinks about how they had woken up beside each other that morning. The sun drifted in, hazy and warm and half asleep. She had seen him open his eyes, seen herself reflected in them, like she was a spark that lived inside of him somewhere. He had kissed her and she had felt his smile against her lips, at once achingly familiar and yet fantastical. The idea that something so ordinary could be so unique to one person, could be like the centre of the universe. And when he looks down at her she wants to tell him she loves him. She feels like the words existed outside of her, like they had always existed. She thinks that they lived in that moment, like they were designed for moments like this, like they had been written for the way that he looked at her.

But she had smiled and bit her lip and said nothing. They had gone about their morning in a comforting routine of domesticity. She knew where she fitted inside of the routine and it was like a blanket over her, fitting to her curves and edges perfectly. She had thought they had innumerable mornings for her to tell him. And now she no longer had that endless certainty. Now she had a future that was blank. And she feels the weight of those unspoken words on her chest, threatening to choke their way out of her. She gulps it down audibly, tears pricking her eyes. She cant bring herself to let them fall.

“He was still concious when they brought him in.” Atwater supplies. No one really reacts, though they all heard him. He’s stating it like a simple fact and the others react accordingly. He doesn’t look at her, but she knows he said it was for her benefit.

“He probably asked for them to call you.” Lindsay gives her a slight nudge with her elbow.

“Or maybe they just looked at his phone. They do that sometimes right?” Halstead asks.

They begin this discussion and it breaks the tension which had been becoming unbearable. Kim is glad for the noise even if she doesn’t listen. Talking about it made her picture it and she hated that. She catches Voight’s eye but she can’t read his expression and she looks away quickly. They all seemed to have accepted the fact they had called her for him with ease – if she hadn't seen their faces when she came in she would have sworn they all already knew about her and Adam. She knows now thought that they were using it as an excuse to talk about something, and she doesn’t really mind if it meant they were OK with it.

 

The others were still talking, if not animatedly, at least a little calmer than before, when Olinsky interrupted them.

“He asked for her. That how they knew.” His tone silences everyone again. He says it in that eerily still tone of his. For the first time Kim sees, with a sickening feeling in her stomach, blood coating his hands.

That’s when the tears fall. She doesn’t wipe them away, they fall without warning and she hardly notices them. They streak down her face as she blinks in shock, and for the first time Olinsky looks up and directly at her. She doesn’t know if she’s ready to hear what happened. the sight of blood brought it all crashing back, the sickening reality of why they were here.

When he talks again he talks to her, and only her.

“We thought we’d taken them all down. No one saw the gun until it was too late. I was careless. I let my guard down.” he shakes his head, remembering, then carries on, regaining his control. Seeing him like this scares her, he had always seemed so steady to her. The way Adam talked about working with him, it was like he was immovable in the best way. Now she saw someone who was broken and guilt ridden. “I should have protected him, I know that. But what I want you to know is that I didn’t leave him. The kid, he was…he was looking at me like he was lost. And I took hold of his hand…I held his hand and I stayed with him. He made me promise I would call you. he didn’t want you to hear what happened from a stranger.”

She closes her eyes and nods to show how grateful she is. He looks away from her to let her cry with some dignity and they all pretend not to notice. They aren't doing it because its an awkward sight – they probably all feel the same way at this point. They look away because its private. Because what Adam had thought about and asked for was hers, they didn't belong to anyone else.

“And…” Olinsky starts again and her gaze flies back to his. 

What else could there be? She steels herself, somehow, impossibly, and tries to hear it. 

“The bastard that shot him is dead.” His gaze is boring into hers and he waits.

Kim feels that seemingly unstoppable flood of tears still. Slowly she shifts and squares her shoulders, and she feels the emptiness clawing her stomach again. She aims her gaze fixedly back at Olinsky and breathes “Good.” In a solid, cold tone that surprises even her in its unfeeling sound.

 

Before anyone can say anything, the doors swing open and a doctor comes out. He held his hands up against the questioning faces as everyone jumped up and started forward.

“We managed to remove the bullets – he was lucky. There was a lot of blood loss, but the bullets just missed his major organs. He’s unconscious now, but he’s stable.”

Kim is afraid to move as she demands “So he’s going to be OK?” she needs to hear it simply, she needs to know for sure, clearly.

“We’ll be monitoring him closely but yes, with any luck he should make a full recovery…yes.” He adds again for emphasis seeing her face.

Relief sweeps over everyone. Hugs and smiles are exchanged but its all background noise. She feels Atwater squeezing her shoulders happily but she’s to wrapped up in her own relief. Suddenly her life came back to her. Sleeping on the right side, arguing over music taste, abandoning their pathetic attempts at dinner as he swept her up in his arms – all the possibilities flooded back to her, all colour and light and hope. She turns and looks at Olinsky. His eyes were closed tightly and she understands what he’s feeling. When she sees Voight clapping him on the shoulder comfortingly she looks away.

“Can he have visitors?” Antonio asks the doctor who had lingered, watching their relief with a small smile. When he sees the doctor hesitate he asks “Just one? If its family?”

They all look at the doctor expectantly and Kim knows its on her behalf and she can’t help but smile at it as the doctor agrees and someone moves her forward and another voice explains who she is to the patient.

 

Kim pauses before the swinging double doors. She knows he is behind there, and now the worrying about his fate is over, she is suddenly nervous to see him. She doesn’t know what awaits her, what he’s going to look like.

Then she feels a firm hand on the small of her back, urging her forward. Looking up she is shocked, and touched, to see Voight. “Go on.” He says to her quietly, so no one else can here. “He’s going to need you. Its alright.”

She presses her lips together and nods with more confidence than she feels and he smiles reassuringly at her. With one more push forward, she presses her hand against the doors.

“Tell him we’re thinking about him.” Voight says just as the doors swallow her up.

 

She falls asleep sleep holding his hand, just as she had the night before.

Now she isn't curled against him in bed – now she’s watching him sleep and even though he’s right next to her, he feels oceans away, lying prone on the single little hospital bed. He looks pale and pallid and she doesn’t dare take her eyes of him – as if the second she looks away he’ll be lost to her.

She’s scared to do so but at some point she drifts of to sleep, despite her best efforts not to. When she dreams, she dreams of gunshots that shake her awake.

She rubs her eyes which are sore and puffy from all the crying and looks down at their hands still entwined – and when she does she sees it. His fingers twitch and tighten around hers and recognition and she wonders if he knows its her. She studies his face wildly waiting for him to open his eyes.

He blinks slowly, warily. She sees his confusion for a moment. These are the minute expressions she knew so well, and she hadn't known how much she missed them until right then. He looks around him dazedly for a moment and she lets him get his bearings. Adam turns his face toward her then, she sees the exact moment he realises its her. She sees it in the way his whole body relaxes, and his fingers tighten in hers. He beams at her, a huge smile made to eclipse suns.

“Hey you.” he croaks and she laughs loudly, all her relief spilling out of her suddenly and excitedly.

“Hi!” she cries, she cant believe the normalcy of their words after everything. She jumps up and presses her lips against his almost violently and he returns it – they’re finding each other again, they’re using this as their anchors, their reassurance that this was real, and it was going to be OK. She moves out of her chair to perch on the bed beside him.

When she pulls away, he rests his hand on her face, keeping her close and she leans into the touch she had thought she might not feel again. “You scared me so much.” She whispered, and she wants to cry again. He strokes his thumb across her cheek in response.

He looks up at her like he cant believe she’s real. Not that she’s here, no, he knows just as well as her that there was no where else she would be. No, he’s looking up at her in awe, like he sees something impossible in her. She cocks her head, questioning him. She doesn’t voice it out loud, because she wants him to be able to find the words he was searching for.

“When I was lying on the ground…I didn’t really know what was happening at first. But when I did I realised I didn’t…didn’t have time. There were things I wanted to say and I knew they were going to put me in the ambulance any second. So I just said it out loud quickly because I didn’t know if I would be able to. I was panicking and I was terrified but I knew they had to call you. it was like that was the only thought I had time for…You. because I didn’t want you to worry.”

Kim smiles a small reassuring smile and strokes a comforting hand through his hair to let him know it was alright, and his last thought had managed to bring her here. That It had worked and she wasn’t going anywhere.

“I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. You have all the time in the world now.” She soothes.

He shakes his head at her getting agitated and she frowns trying to calm him down.

“No. I mean yes…but no. I don’t want to waste any more time. I thought I had time before this and then I realised it can all get taken away.” He’s gripping her face more tightly now, like he’s forcing her to listen to him, to understand what he’s trying to say. “I don’t wan anything to happen to either of us…but if it did…if this happened again…”

“It wont happen again.” She says with feeling, like she’s trying to convince herself. Like willing it will make it so.

“If it happens again.” He carries on, ignoring her. “then I want to at least die knowing you know…that I love you.” 

She stills then, mouth open, taken aback. He’s staring at her nervously like he’s afraid of what she’s going to say. When she doesn’t reply he carried on hastily.

“And I'm not just saying that because I thought I might die. I mean, that made me say it out loud, but I've felt it for a really long time now. And I was going to tell you, I mean, at some point I would have, but I didn’t know if you…I mean…how do you…” He trails of awkwardly.

A smile breaks over her face slowly. She thinks about how she had almost told him the same thing that morning. How they had both been thinking the same thing for months, both afraid the other didn’t feel it. She shakes her head at the absurdity of it.

“I am so stupidly in love with you Adam Ruzek.” She laughs, putting her head in her hands. He pulls her down to kiss her again happily – but she pulls away when he winces in pain.

“Sorry.” She presses her fingers gently against his bandaged chest. “Did I hurt you?”

He tries to shrug one shoulder. “Pretty much all of me hurts anyway, so it doesn't make that much difference. But I guess being shot in the chest is going to do that to you.”

“Well you know what they say.” She smiles. “In the immortal words of Kelly Clarkson, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.”

“I'm pretty sure she didn’t come up with that.” He chuckles, trying to shift into a more comfortable semi sitting position. “Ooh, OK.” He hisses grabbing at the bandages. “Hurts to laugh.”

“Well I can think of other things we can do with our mouths that wont hurt half as much.” She smiles coyly and kisses him again. She feels that familiar smile against her mouth, and she promises to herself that she’s never going to waste time again.


End file.
